Wednesday / November 30 / 2011
Rescuing “me” inside Depressed Me
“So… it’s 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Not really sure why. Just “one of those nights”, I guess. It’s times like these my mind seems to ponder the deepest. So after about three hours of wide-eyed tossing and turning, I opted to get up and write a note to my most cherished siblings.
I think we do a pretty good job letting each other know how much we all mean to one another. We’re one of those truly blessed families that has an appreciation and deep love for one another. An “I’m always here if you need ANYthing” sort of thing, even if it’s been awhile since we’ve touched base. I relish the comfort in that.
On that note, I want to recognize I haven’t been the greatest Keeper-in-Touch over this last year and a half or so. This whole chronic struggle has truly taken a toll on the real me… whoever that is. I’m not entirely sure I even know anymore. Certainly not trying to sound all gloom-n-doom, here, so hopefully you don’t read it that way. It’s really just part of the journey for me.
So back to the “it’s 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep”. Indulge me this moment, if you will as I give you just a glimpse into my heart.
Mark… you are the big brother little sisters dream of. Truly. The kindness in your eyes is undeniable. It’s so evident to your sisters how deep your love runs for us. Amidst all the teasing and joking (which we love, by the way), you communicate your profound love for us so clearly – and we cherish that in a way that can only be understood amongst the three of us. Know from the bottom of my heart how much you mean to me and how I’ll forever hold dear all the years we’ve shared together. We grew up together! I remember with fondness playing in the Play Room with the red carpet, being pen pals while you were in Turkey, and the many, many late night, long chats on the phone while I was at college. I love the father and husband you are and the way you so freely share your love and heart with all three of your girls. I love the way Ella calls you Papa as she curls up in your lap. I love the beaming smile on Colleen’s face as you cradle her in your arms. Your children KNOW they are loved and that brings such warmth to Debbie’s and my heart. I love the passion and zest for life you’ve instilled in your daughters as you encourage them to be all God designed them to be. You are my hero in so many ways.
Debbie… you are so beautiful, inside and out. There is beauty in every aspect of you… your face, your smile, your hair (with curls I envy) – but most distinctly, your inner most you. You make Mark and me better people just because we know you. You are selfless, relentlessly caring, and never much for glory – though you deserve so much of it. The dedication and behind-the-scenes detail you pour into every ounce of your family is admirable, at the least. You make me want to be a better Mom and Grammy. You inspire me to embrace my gifts and talents as I watch you inspire Lainey and Caroline to do likewise. Your daughters know they can do anything because you’ve shown them they can, and then you’ve backed it. You make me feel cherished and loved and special. You make me feel giddy down to my toe tips because I have the privilege of knowing you so intimately. Not to sound cliché, but you are the wind beneath my wings.
To both of you… you make me feel extraordinary, accepted, part of The Pack… warts and all. For that, and for so many other reasons, I’m thankful God gifted me with you as my big brother and little sister. My life would not be the same (nor nearly as fun) without both of you. Thank you for sharing life with me and for your willingness to embrace the sibling-hood we all cherish so much. Let’s never take it, or each other for granted – at least to the best of our very flawed abilities.
This, I promise to both of you.
Consider this one grateful sistah”
My You Evolution™ friends, if you feel like you’ve just eavesdropped on an intimate family conversation, that’s because the above is an excerpt from the letter I sent my brother and sister one year ago, when I first began my self-discovery journey to rescue the “me” inside the Depressed Me. It was a year ago when I was left with no choice but to deal with my depression.
What a difference a year makes when you’ve taken steps toward your unique-to-you healing. Especially when surrounded by those who love you.
All of us have someone who needs us. I implore you to reach out. Communicate. Listen. Be the assuring voice that reminds, “your life is not a mistake. you are not alone. keep seeking help until you find what works for you.” The more we talk and share with one another, the less this disease gets to win, and the better we all are.
To win? We need to fight together. Who’s with me?